Not So Sweet Dreams

Alright...I've reached my limit. I'm done reading books, articles, watching videos, and listening to friends. There is way too much information out there on how to get your baby to sleep, and honestly...not one thing has worked for my baby. I can't tell you how many times I've crumpled into Cameron's shoulder crying because once again my "sleep plan" has failed. There is no putting my baby to sleep tired, but awake. He is either nursing to sleep of crying to sleep. The little man will take three naps during the day but wakes after 45 minutes every time. The classic rock station had lost it's sleeping piazzas. At night he goes down between 7 and 8 and wakes 2 to 5 times at night. Sheesh! I will be honest and tell you I have let him cry to sleep more than once, but it was only because I was at my wits end and letting him cry was safer than me trying to console him at the moment. I read things that say letting them cry does not harm them at all in the long run, and I read that letting them cry can cause trust issues. Not to mention how heart wrenching it is to go about my day while my baby, my world, is having a melt down in the next room. I would rather side on the error of caution and not let him cry. My only other option is to nurse him to sleep. And there is no fooling this baby. I can't slip him a binky. He is wise to those tricks, he wants to real deal. Not only does he want to nurse to sleep, he wants to hang out of my boob while he sleeps. This is where things get complicated. I love nursing my baby to sleep, most of the time. It can get exhausting. And I worry that I'm setting us up for disaster. But at this point I see no other option. I just have to remind myself, things will get better...won't they?..... sigh.....

Parenthood Part 1

First let me say I have been working on a "birth story" post that I should have up sooner or later. I'm really kicking myself for not blogging or journaling more during my pregnancy. Oh well....maybe next time. :)
So tonight is Orin's first night in his own room in his own bed. I nursed him, read him stories, sang to him and put him in his bed and kissed him goodnight. And that was that. I'm not about to kid myself that this is how it's going to be every night, but there was this special moment when Orin was asleep and Cameron and I were at the table together doing our own things that I has this WOW moment. I'm a parent. I just put my baby to bed, and took this free time to catch up on some sewing, talk to my love about our day, and drink some tea. I'm a parent. I find it ironic that this fact hits me while my child is not in my arms, but fast asleep in his bed, dreaming of boobies. Life is one crazy adventure and I love it.

Say what?

Cameron and I both come from Christian homes...the type of homes that want you to settle down with a nice man/woman, get married, buy a house, and one day be blessed with a child. If you would have told me when I was 17 that I would not start having babies until I was almost 30 I would have laughed in your face. Then if you would have told me that at 29, I would get pregnant with my BOYFRIEND that LIVES with me, I would have fallen to the floor. That is not something girls that sing in the church choir do! But life has it's way...or maybe I had my way with my life, I'm not sure exactly what happened but it's not like I thought it would be. But if I would have married right out of high school and stayed in Alaska, there would be no Vinaka memories, no Jefferson Banditos, no Sadie, no hiking the gorge, no midnight bike rides, no Cameron! No thanks! I love where life has taken me, even if my 17 year old self didn't see this coming.
But being a unwed mother has done come crazy things to my little mind. Even though I'm 29, I still think people look at me like a teen mom. They look at my growing belly, and ring less finger and think to themselves, "Poor girl, I bet she had so much potential." I think this is my thought, not there's, sneaking into my psyche. It's all very twisted in my head and I myself am still trying to straiten out the knots and snags of my logic. I know in my heart that my son will be giving me the chance to finally live to my full potently. Fulfill my true calling, to be a mother. But doubt has a nasty way of sneaking in there. Maybe in fact I was meant to be a truck driver, or designer, or go go dancer.....and maybe now I will never know! These are the stupid thoughts that bring my to tears in the shower. And then my dear son gives me a swift kick in the belly and this calmly reminds me that everything is going to be fine, and yes, being his mommy is my one and only purpose.

So much waiting!!!

Let me tell you something about pregnancy. There is a crap ton of WAITING you do! Waiting for the pregnancy test results, waiting to tell people, waiting to hear the heartbeat, waiting for a baby bump, waiting for financial assistance, waiting to discover the sex of the baby, waiting to decorate the nursery, and don't even get me started on waiting rooms! There is so much waiting. At least so far that's how I feel. No one ever mentioned to me how time just drags on, or I'm an incredibly impatient person. I can't imagine the third trimester goes much faster.
I'm sure all this waiting is for a reason. If I imagine all this going faster,I would be completely overwhelmed. With all this waiting it's hard for reality to sink in. I sometimes just think I'm taking on another child to watch while I'm with Sophia. Then I go home, look in the baby room and realize, nope...this baby is going to spend every moment with me. Not just the 8am to 5pm I'm with Sophia. But every living moment with me. I sometimes even completely forget I'm pregnant. I will see cute pregnant ladies at the store and wonder what it's like to be pregnant, or wander off into the clothing section at Target and completely forget about my expanding belly and boobs which would look horrific in the usual styles I would wear. Even today after paining the nursery I decided to take a break and went to the refrigerator looking for a drink and almost grabbed a beer. How in the world can something so amazing as the baby growing inside of me simply "slip my mind" at moments. I have a sneaking suspicion once my son is born there will be no slipping of my mind that I am indeed a full time parent. And I can't wait for that moment! (Remind me to read that last sentence when I'm about to lose my mind in 6 months!)

Are you there God? It's me Margaret....I'm pregnant.

So I like to think I knew I was pregnant from the beginning...but I also convinced myself I was just being paranoid. Cameron's parents had visited for the weekend and the moment they left I rode my bike to Target and bought the test. I rode home hyperventilating. I took the test....saw the results and thought, "See...you were just being silly....everything is just.....WHAT!!!! POSITIVE!!! AHHHHHH!!!!". (Note to my unborn child: I have always wanted you....ever since I could remember I wanted you....I just didn't expect you to come...well unexpected. But I love you just the same.) Then I began to cry. Now, from what I have read in books, seen in movies, and watched on commercials, mothers are often overjoyed. I was totally terrified. Money, space, traveling, getting in shape, sleeping, all those things were about to disappear. I pulled myself together and rode my bike to the Cafe to tell Cameron. I really felt like I was on the set of Juno. I had a thought while I was riding that there was a little thing on the bike with me...a stowaway. I was like a kid riding my bike as fast as I could to tell some very grownup news. Cameron thought for sure someone had died with the tears running down my face and shaking like a leaf. I told him and he was very calm and collected. He is and always will be my rock. He told me everything was fine, and we could do this. I settled down and rode my bike to work where I spent the rest of my day pretending that everything was fine. Playing with Sophia and greeting friends at the park. When I got home I remember thinking, "I have survived day 1!"

silver bells and cockle shells

So my garden is a plenty, but not to beautiful to look at. I have three garden beds and about 20 pots going this year. Here is my veggie rundown.Carrots
Corn
Tomatoes
Tomatillo
Jalapenos
Broccoli
Lettuce (2 varieties)
Leeks
Peas
Bean
Spearmint
Cilantro
Bok Choy
Cabbage
Cauliflower
Basil
Artichoke
and Fennel. I think that's it. I figures plant a LOT and I'm bound to get something out of it. I am determined to rearrange the many pots, tables and stools to make it look beautiful to look at back there.

Also yesterday I hit a estate sale on the way home from work an found this totally awesome water cooler. Oh be still my heart. Now...what to make of it?

pretty finds....

Cameron and I both have Thursdays off. I love being able to spend at least one day a week with my darling doing what ever we wish. Sometimes it's hiking. Sometimes it's eating chips and watching crime shows ALL DAY! Yesterday we ate yummy mexican food till it hurt, play some wii and took an evening walk with BOTH the girls which is totally unheard of! They sky was beautiful. Some days I really feel spoiled to live in such a lovely city. Other days I want to cry my eyes out if I see one more raindrop.
I've been playing with all my goodies for my "one day" shop and decided to post some pics of my lovely finds.Isn't that the most beautiful stuff. I'm really excited to find some time to post these bad boys in my shop. Stay tuned for that.
Also I have been working on some upcycled grocery totes. (side note: not really loving the word "upcycled". Am I alone with this feeling?) I'm still working on what the finished project will look like. I'm thinking some embroidery will be what I need to make the totes complete.Hope everyone has a wonderful Memorial Day weekend.