Friday, July 8, 2011

Say what?

Cameron and I both come from Christian homes...the type of homes that want you to settle down with a nice man/woman, get married, buy a house, and one day be blessed with a child. If you would have told me when I was 17 that I would not start having babies until I was almost 30 I would have laughed in your face. Then if you would have told me that at 29, I would get pregnant with my BOYFRIEND that LIVES with me, I would have fallen to the floor. That is not something girls that sing in the church choir do! But life has it's way...or maybe I had my way with my life, I'm not sure exactly what happened but it's not like I thought it would be. But if I would have married right out of high school and stayed in Alaska, there would be no Vinaka memories, no Jefferson Banditos, no Sadie, no hiking the gorge, no midnight bike rides, no Cameron! No thanks! I love where life has taken me, even if my 17 year old self didn't see this coming.
But being a unwed mother has done come crazy things to my little mind. Even though I'm 29, I still think people look at me like a teen mom. They look at my growing belly, and ring less finger and think to themselves, "Poor girl, I bet she had so much potential." I think this is my thought, not there's, sneaking into my psyche. It's all very twisted in my head and I myself am still trying to straiten out the knots and snags of my logic. I know in my heart that my son will be giving me the chance to finally live to my full potently. Fulfill my true calling, to be a mother. But doubt has a nasty way of sneaking in there. Maybe in fact I was meant to be a truck driver, or designer, or go go dancer.....and maybe now I will never know! These are the stupid thoughts that bring my to tears in the shower. And then my dear son gives me a swift kick in the belly and this calmly reminds me that everything is going to be fine, and yes, being his mommy is my one and only purpose.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

So much waiting!!!

Let me tell you something about pregnancy. There is a crap ton of WAITING you do! Waiting for the pregnancy test results, waiting to tell people, waiting to hear the heartbeat, waiting for a baby bump, waiting for financial assistance, waiting to discover the sex of the baby, waiting to decorate the nursery, and don't even get me started on waiting rooms! There is so much waiting. At least so far that's how I feel. No one ever mentioned to me how time just drags on, or I'm an incredibly impatient person. I can't imagine the third trimester goes much faster.
I'm sure all this waiting is for a reason. If I imagine all this going faster,I would be completely overwhelmed. With all this waiting it's hard for reality to sink in. I sometimes just think I'm taking on another child to watch while I'm with Sophia. Then I go home, look in the baby room and realize, nope...this baby is going to spend every moment with me. Not just the 8am to 5pm I'm with Sophia. But every living moment with me. I sometimes even completely forget I'm pregnant. I will see cute pregnant ladies at the store and wonder what it's like to be pregnant, or wander off into the clothing section at Target and completely forget about my expanding belly and boobs which would look horrific in the usual styles I would wear. Even today after paining the nursery I decided to take a break and went to the refrigerator looking for a drink and almost grabbed a beer. How in the world can something so amazing as the baby growing inside of me simply "slip my mind" at moments. I have a sneaking suspicion once my son is born there will be no slipping of my mind that I am indeed a full time parent. And I can't wait for that moment! (Remind me to read that last sentence when I'm about to lose my mind in 6 months!)